Homunculus Gags
by A Girl Called Tennessee
Summary: Okay this is a combo of Fullmetal Alchemist and Harry Potter Puppet Pals, if you've seen both you know who everyone is :P enjoy, I guarantee at least one lol in every chapter!
1. Fullmetal's Diary

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Wrath, Sloth, Lust, Greed, Al, Ed

Envy runs in to Sloth and Wrath with a book in one hand and Ed's automail arm in the other. Looks down at the automail and drops it on the ground before addressing the two homunculi

Envy: Look! Look! Look what I found!

Wrath: Is that a book?

Sloth: I know a thing or two about books and that's a book.

Envy: It's not just any book guys!

Wrath: Is it a young adult romance novel about a vampire?

Sloth: … Wrath dear…

Ten seconds later:

Wrath huddled in a corner

Envy: Now that that awkward moment's over… I just happened to find this book in Fullmetal pipsqueak's locked room, in a locked trunk underneath his bed! It's his diary!

Wrath (still in corner): Should we read it?

Envy: I've got a better idea! Let's read it!

Sloth: I'm good with that.

Envy opens the book and begins flipping through pages

Envy: Alright this is the first entry… "Dear Diary…-"

Pick up in Ed's voice

Ed: -Today I ate some oatmeal for my breakfast… it was watery and flavorless. I thought of my mother…. I cried.

Wrath: … Oatmeal… Ma I'm hungry!

Envy: What else is new fatty?!

Wrath returns to the corner

Envy: Let's get to the good stuff!

Continues reading book

Ed: Today I put on my red cloak and went to the pet store because Al wanted to see the cats. While there I purchased a pair of fancy mice and Al asked me over and over why he couldn't have a cat. I grew tired of the nagging and ditched him in some godforsaken alleyway then went back to my hotel room. Once there I put the fancy mice in a cage, one devoured the other… then it died of loneliness…. I envied it as soon as Al returned.

Envy: This is great!

Lust enters with Greed

Lust and Greed: What's great?

Envy: We found Fullmetal pipsqueak's diary!

Greed: This should be… interesting.

Lust: Anything about me?

Envy: … No one in their right mind would put you in a thing like this.

Sloth: Actually I see both your names.

Sloth points to the next page

Wrath (now returning from corner): Oh, you're good at reading Ma.

Envy: Well I guess he's not in his right mind after all.

They begin reading

Ed: Today I ran into Envy and Greed, they showed me their middle fingers. When I attempted to transmute my automail they got their curvy friend and they proceeded to try and tear my automail off chanting "Homunculus Rule! Homunculus Rule!" then the curvy one left and sent the little limb stealer to take her place. They repeated the violent act until I lost consciousness, then they called Al to come pick me up and left…. Later that evening I called Winry about repairs, she told me to fall in a well and hung up. Tonight I prayed for the first time in ten years… I prayed for the end.

Envy gives Greed a high-five then looks at Wrath

Envy: I remember that! Gim'me five, Wrath!

Wrath: … You already took my money, Envy.

Envy: *sigh* Never mind…

Goes on reading

Ed: I lost a button on my State Alchemist uniform today. Mustang made a point of telling me in front of the entire group of higher-ups he's always hanging around with. Oh, cruel attention. Button oh button oh where have thou flown? Did thee tarry to long on clothing and thread? Did thee roll off my bosom and cease to exist? How is wish I could follow thee into the mist.

Wrath: What is a bosom, Envy?

Greed breaks down in hysterical laughter

All female characters turn to look at Envy

Lust and Sloth: Yeah tell him, Envy.

Greed laughs harder

Envy: Uh-… Oh, look another page….

Begins reading to change to subject

Ed: Today while in the bathtub-

All Homunculus: EW!

Ed: I fell asleep and had a nightmare. I dreamt I was trying to find Al in a thunder storm, every thunder clap resolved into… their voices "Homunculus Rule! Homunculus Rule!". Suddenly it became music; I was in the legendary city under central in the play house, there was a ball. I asked Rose to dance… she asked me to die. Would if I could Rose, would if I could….

Envy: This Rose chick sounds awesome!!!

Continues

Ed: When I awoke my skin was prune like from the tepid bathwater and I was late for golf with Al.

Wrath: I like prunes!

Al (now human) randomly pops up from nowhere

Al: Somebody say prunes?

Wrath: I said prunes (leans close to Sloth, now a whisper) How did he know?

Al: What are you guys up to now? Studying to make to Philosopher's Stone again?

Envy picks up Ed's arm and waves it around while saying: No, we're invading Fullmetal pipsqueak's privacy by reading his personal diary which we stole from his room.

Al: … But you don't have any prunes?

Envy: I'm afraid not.

Al: I haven't had anything to eat since I got my body back! I'm starving!

Envy: Well there aren't any prunes here.

Al: I'm very disappointed in all of you.

Al walks away

All homunculus hesitate for a moment, brutally confused

Greed: … Was that… the tin man?

Lust: … I-… I think it was.

Sloth: My boy's all grown up!

Wrath: Do you like him better than me, Mom?!

Wrath runs back to the corner

Envy begins flipping through the book to random pages

Envy: Okay here's another one.

Ed: Today, when at Izumi's, the limb stealer ate more candy than he could handle. He promptly threw up a rainbow of colored sweets all over the front sidewalk. All the neighborhood children, including Al, burst into applause and then left to see how much candy they could eat before they'd do the same. Izumi refused to come outside and left me clean her son's sick. When I was almost done Mustang showed up to brag about his promotion, then told me I smelled like milk and left without wishing me a happy birthday…. I thought of my father… I cried.

Envy: Ugh, this is getting boring! Let's write a new entry!

Wrath: That's a really good idea, Envy!

Lust: I have a pen-

Envy snatches the pen

Envy: Okay good

Begins writing

Envy: Hey, my name is Fullmetal pipsqueak, I'm real depressed because I have to fight Envy, who's awesome, and it makes me have depression because I'm not as cool as he is. All the homunculus keep beating me up because I'm lame and I can't even defeat one of them 'cause their leader Envy is the best. I'm upset because my brother's a piece of junk and everything in the world is my fault. I hate milk because it makes me tall and if I got tall I couldn't do short rants, which are my favorites. Well I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep thinking about my dead mother, but first I gotta go throw something at the tin can because he's always in my face about doing the right thing…. So, bye.

Wrath: That's really funny, Envy! Can I try?

Envy gives him the pen

Envy: Be my guest.

Wrath: Okay…. I…. am…. E…. D….W-

Sloth: Well it was a good try Wrath.

Ed stumbles in with a bump on his head and missing an arm

Ed: Uh… S-somebody knocked me out, stole my arm, and ransacked my room….

Ed sees Wrath holding the book

Ed: T-that book! Where did you get it?!

Envy: Oh no! Fullmetal pipsqueak, Wrath stole your diary!

Envy looks at the arm on the ground and throws it back at Ed, hitting him in the face

Envy: And he stole your arm too!

Ed (addressing Wrath): You didn't read the book, did you?!

Envy: Oh he read it alright! He read it all!

Ed: WHAT?!

Wrath: … I liked the story about the button, Edward.

Ed: … Y-…you did?

Wrath: Yes, it made me sad…. I hope you find your button, Edward.

Ed: So do I limb stealer…. So do I.

All homunculi but Wrath inch out of the room and flee

**_Okay I hope everyone enjoyed this one, it was a lot of fun to write. I love comments so what ever you have to tell me about it please do, as long as you do it politely :P_**

**_A Girl Called Tennessee_**


	2. Homunculus Swears

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Sloth, Wrath, Pride, Gluttony, Mustang, Dante

Envy walks in to Wrath and Sloth holding a piece of paper and scratching his head

Envy: Hey guys, Dante just posted a list of swears we're not supposed to say… or call her anymore. I didn't know homunculus had swears.

Sloth: of course we do, they're called homunculus swears.

Envy (sarcastically): Original.

Wrath: Like… like Edward's cloak… I'm a rebel.

Envy: … Really, that's adorable.

Sloth: No, they're much worse than that. Read some Envy.

Envy looks at paper

Envy: Let's see… son of a transmutation circle, that'll come in handy.

Sloth: Equivalent exchanger, that's my favorite.

Envy: What else.

Envy looks down the list

Envy: Palm tree head?! Who the wise-

Sloth covers Wrath's ears

Envy: -that came up with this?!

Pride enters

Pride: Do my ears detect foul mouth-edness?

Sloth: Oh, no Pride.

Envy (smirk): Hohenheim's nipple!

Pride: Excuse me?!

Sloth: Envy!

Pride: I am Furer and I refuse to have this filth spewed in my presence. That's it you're fired.

Envy: We don't work for you.

Pride: Well if you did you'd be fired.

Wrath: Fullmetal alchemist bogies….

All Homunculus look at Wrath

Wrath (smiling): … I'm a rebel.

Envy: … Everybody run. (Looks at Pride) Transmutatams!

Envy, Sloth, and Wrath flee

Pride: … Rebel rousers.

Three run in laughing.

Envy: Oh, that was fun.

Three see Gluttony milling around aimlessly

Wrath: Oh hi, Gluttony.

Gluttony: Hi Envy, Sloth, Wrath…. W-what's up guys?

Envy rolls eyes and grids teeth

Envy: Yeah, yeah, well we've gotta get going a-

Gluttony: What're ya do'en?

Wrath: We're saying naughty homunculus words like Black Hayate…! I'm a rebel….

Sloth: I don't think you've got the idea quite yet, dear.

Envy: No, more like this list!

Gluttony (gasp): Lust tells me I can't say those dodgy wurds.

Envy: Well Lust is a backwards Tucker!

Gluttony makes a long dramatic gasp

Sloth: He doesn't mean it Gluttony, he's just testing out homunculus swears.

Envy: I mean every word I ever say ever, 'cause I'm Envy, the, homunculus….

Clap of thunder

Gluttony: I'm tell'en Dante, this is against the rules.

Wrath: You're such and automail head…. Rebel.

Gluttony: No! No! It's against the rules!

Envy suddenly appears in front of him

Envy: I can't let you do that Gluttony.

Gluttony moves in the other direction saying: No Lust doesn't want me to swear.

Backs into Envy

Gluttony: How di-

Envy: Are you a homunculus or not, Gluttony?

Gluttony: I am a homunculus, but, but.

Envy: Try it then, here's the list, say anything.

Hands him the list

Sloth: You can do it Gluttony.

Gluttony: Uh… uh… Greed's… butt cwack.

Wrath and Sloth: Yay!

Envy: You sicken me.

Gluttony: H-huh? But it's on this list!

Envy: Greed's ten times the homunculus you'll ever be!

Gluttony: Uh… uh.

Envy: Leave Central Gluttony, never return.

Another clap of thunder

Gluttony sighs in depression and leaves

Wrath and Sloth: YAY!

Wrath: You're a rife with boyish attitude Envy!

Sloth: Wait…! Envy's a boy?!

Envy: *glare*

Sloth: Come on, it's an honest mistake… you wear a skirt.

Envy: It's not a skirt, it's…. Well it's really comfortable. And didn't Fullmetal pipsqueak's brother wear a skirt until most recently?

Wrath: That was a loincloth; I think there's a difference.

Envy: Since when did you become a fashion expert?

Wrath: I'm not, I'm a rebel.

Envy and Sloth: …?

Envy randomly pulls a phone from nowhere and says: Let's do a prank call.

Wrath and Sloth: Okay

All three gather around the phone

Mustang: Flame Alchemist speaking.

Envy: Alchemist taint!

Mustang: What?! You kids! If I find out who you guys are I'll get the state alchemists after you, and they'll throw you in state alchemist jail, and I'll kill you! 'cause I'm Roy Mustang! So stop calling me!

Pride walks in with Dante

Pride: There they are.

Dante: Pride would like to have a word with you.

Sloth: Oh chimera turds.

Pride: That is exactly the sort of vulgarity that I am looking to eradicate from the under ground city of Central. The traditions of this mythical place must be upheld and respected-

Envy: Homunculus **** Alchemist **** Pride!

Pride: What?!

Envy: You floppy ouroboros, chimera bugger-er!

All pause

Wrath: …. Al's armor…. Rebel.

All look to Wrath

Pride looks at Dante

Pride: Dante I urge you to find new deadly sins.

Dante: Oh Pride, let them have their flapdoodle.

Pride: But you're the one who banned the words in the first place.

Dante: I don't even remember five minutes ago.

Pride: Should I be concerned about how many times you jump bodies in a day?

Dante: … Yes, now back to your skulking.

Envy: … Dante, you unseeingly old, right?

Dante: Why yes.

Envy: Do you know any really old, super ancient, archaic, lost to the ages, olden times homunculus swears?

Dante: Well there is one.

Wrath: I want to hear it!

Dante: The philosopher's swear, you must never repeat it to anyone.

Sloth: We won't Dante.

Dante: Alright, here goes…. You're mother is a ******ing ******** Trisha Elric ****** Human transmutation *************of a ************ hippopotamus ************ republican *************ing, Vic Mignogna ********** *** Hohenheim of ******** light ********** with a bucket of******** on the other side of the gate, far far away so no one can hear you ****** soup ****** Mickey Mouse ******** and a stick of dynamite ***************** alchemy **************** *************** transmutation!!!!

All homunculus: *shock*

Wrath: … Wooooooow.

Dante: Now you know. You must never ever repeat it no anyone, okay?

Envy: … We promise Dante.

Dante: Good

Dante leaves

Envy, Wrath, Sloth (cornering Gluttony): mother is a ******ing ******** Trisha Elric ****** Human transmutation *************of a ************-

FIN

_**Hey everyone, thanks for reading. Again this was a fun one to write, please comment and let me know if I should do another :P**_

_**Tennessee**_


	3. Wrath's Disease

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Wrath, Lust, Tucker, Sloth, Pride, Ed, Al

Envy has been sitting alone in the play house bored out of his mind and has finally dozed off when Wrath enters

Wrath: Envy!

Envy jumps

Envy: Huh?! What's happening?! Is pipsqueak dead yet?!

Wrath: … No… Sloth told me to come to you 'cause she couldn't help me.

Envy: … Help you with… what, dare I ask?

Wrath: My secret infliction.

Envy jumps backwards screaming: Disgusting!

Wrath: You don't even know what it is!

Silence

Envy: … Are you gonna stand there or tell me what this 'secret infliction' is?

Wrath: What? Oh, it's lice.

Envy: Again, disgusting!

Wrath: I don't understand why they like my hair so much.

Envy: Well there's certainly enough of it. Now stay back or you'll give it to me. And I definitely don't want bugs in my palm tree-… hair.

Wrath scratches his head

Wrath: I can't imagine anyone would want lice.

Lust randomly pops up from behind the stage

Lust: Did someone say lice?!

Envy: Where did you come from?

Wrath: I said lice! (whisper so only Envy can hear) How did she know?

Lust: Ick! If you get lice in my perfect hair I will kill you! And the last thing we need is another infestation! Envy you need to help this poorly dressed child.

Envy: Hey, I'm letting him borrow my clothes!

Lust: … You're poorly dressed too.

Wrath: So how do I get rid of them?

Lust: Well I suppose you could journey to the outskirts of the underground city. There lives Tucker, the terrible half chimera. Get his help.

Wrath: Okay! Come on Envy!

Envy: Why am I going?

Wrath: What if I run into Edward?

Envy: Coming.

Wrath: YAAAAY!!!

Envy: Don't do that.

Half hour later they arrive at a small run down shack with "Home Swet Home" written on the door.

Wrath goes to knock and the door, Envy pushes him aside and kicks it open

Envy: I'm come'n in.

Wrath: … Um okay…. It doesn't look like anyone's home.

Envy: Too bad, let's go.

Wrath: Wait look!

Points to a large furry object in the corner

Wrath: A big furry mattress! May I jump on it?!

Envy: Do as you wish you diseased child.

Wrath: Hooray!

Envy: Hold on, wait it's moving!

Tucker gets up stumbling around

Wrath: Hello Mr. Tucker- Oof!

Tucker turns and knocks Wrath against the other wall

Tucker: … Oh, oops.

Envy: Hey Tucker, we came for your folksy advice.

Tucker: … What?

Wrath (while trying to pull a sauce pot off his head): I've got homunculus lice Tucker!

Tucker: Oh… that's good… night….

Tucker lays down, Envy hit him

Envy: You just took a nap! Get up you big simpleton!

Tucker: Alright! Alright! What is it?

Envy yanks the pot off Wrath's head and holds a magnifying glass to his head

Envy: See right here, millions of little monsters have spawned on Wrath's already filthy scalp.

Tucker: Well girls-

Envy: Boys! … Maybe I need a new outfit.

Tucker: Alright boys

Random music begins playing

Wrath bounces to the beat while Envy searches for the source

Tucker (singing): If you wanna get rid of that homunculus lice, you gotta listen to Tucker's good advice. Rub meat in yer hair 'til it starts to stink, let it sit for an hour, wash it off in the sink. Then take some mayonnaise and rub it into yer roots, wipe it all off on an old pair of boots. Spin in a circle, clap yer hands twice, now you ain't got any… lice.

Envy: … Okay that was the freakiest thing I've ever heard, did you have that rehearsed or something?

Wrath: I liked the song Tucker, but I'm deathly allergic to mayonnaise….

Envy looks at Wrath

Envy (smirking): Who's deathly allergic to _mayonnaise_, seriously.

Tucker: No mayonnaise?!!! AHH!!!

Envy: Calm down… can't we just light his head on fire?

Wrath: *gasp*

Envy: Then it's decided, I'll go get mustang!

Tucker: There is another way… you pin him down I'll get the rope.

Wrath: What?!

Thirty seconds later

Wrath (hung upside down from the ceiling): All the blood's rushing to my head guys.

Tucker: Shut up

Tucker hits him with a large wooden club

Wrath: OW!

Envy: HA!! Do it again!

Tucker hits him again

Wrath: Ow!

Tucker: … Yer cured.

Wrath (dazed and spinning on the rope): Oh, thank you so much Tucker, I-I feel a hundred percent better now….

Envy (thinking): With the power of Tucker's club I could solve all my problems.

Envy: Tucker!

Tucker: Huh?

Envy: Your skills are needed elsewhere!

Tucker: I'm tired… go do it yourself.

Envy: I'll leave a small pile of fish outside your hut every single day for a month.

Tucker: You got yourself a deal, Envy the homunculus!

Envy: Follow me!

Both leave

Wrath: … Guys… guys I can't get down…. Hello?

Tucker and Envy walking through the city

Sloth: Oh hello, Envy, Tucker.

Envy: Hello female version of Wrath. Okay Tucker! Club her!

Tucker: Right!

Hits Sloth over the head

Envy: Yes! We've killed her lice Tucker, good boy!

Envy tosses Tucker a fish

Continue through the city

Pride: Envy have you-

Envy: Probably not! Club him!

Tucker hits Pride with the club and knocks him over

Envy: Not all the lice are dead yet! Hit him again!

Tucker hits Pride once more

Envy: Okay come on!

Ed: Envy! I knew I'd find you here! Now I-

Claps his hands together but Envy pushes him aside saying: No time to chat Fullmetal pipsqueak!

Envy and Tucker run off

Ed (sniffle, sniffle): E-every time I try and kill Envy….

Walk on

Al (in suit of armor form): Envy, have you seen my brother?

Envy: Yep.

Al: Lust told me about the lice, did you get rid of them?

Envy: You bet it did! Hit!

Tucker hits Al

Loud hollow sounding bang

Al: … That wasn't nice.

Envy: OH MY GOD! He's an android!

Al: Oh good, another brother lacking the simple necessity of common sense.

Fin

_**Hey, another chapter for Homunculus Gags. I hope you liked it and please review, and tell me which Potter Pals you want to see next. :P**_

_**Tennessee**_


	4. Homunculus Angst

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Wrath, Sloth, Ed, Pride, Al

Envy paces around pouting with arms folded

Envy: I feel angry and pubescent today and I don't know why… I'm gonna take it out on people I like!

Wrath enters

Wrath: Hello Envy, what sort of tomfoolery are we going to be getting up to today?

Envy: No tomfoolery today Wrath, I'm tired of seeing your dreadful mug around here!

Wrath's lip quivers

Wrath: Why must you hurt me in this way, Envy?

Sloth pops up instantly as soon as Wrath is being made fun of

Sloth: Yeah what's your problem, Envy?

Envy: My father ditched me! My life sucks! People keep asking me to be their girlfriend! And I'm surrounded by ****ing chimeras and **** all the time! I mean what the ****!

Wrath: But it's wonderful, Envy! The chimeras are wonderful!

Envy: I still have nightmares about Tucker eating my skin clean off every night!

Sloth: … Yeah Tucker's a freak anyway, we don't blame you for that.

Envy: Well I don't care, I quit being a homunculus!

Wrath: … Is that even possible?

Sloth: So you're going to become a human?

Envy: No, I'm going to become an outcast like Greed.

Wrath: …I want to be a real boy!

Envy and Sloth pause

Envy (snap): You're so random! You're one of the reasons I hate being a homunculus!

Wrath: *sniffle* …

Sloth: That was cold, Envy.

Envy: I'm done with you.

Sloth: But what about fighting the Fullmetal kid?

Envy (shrug): Fine, Wrath it'll be your job to take vengeance of pipsqueak.

Wrath: But he never did anything to me.

Envy: I don't care, go fight him.

Wrath: B-but I'll loose!

Envy: Still not caring. Go!

Envy pushes Wrath out of view

Wrath suddenly standing in front of Ed

Ed: Hey limb stealer.

Wrath: *quiver, quiver*

Ed: What? You want a piece of me?

Wrath: N-no! Sir!

Wrath runs back to Sloth

Ed: Yeah you run away! Stupid kid.

Wrath: I couldn't do it Mom!

Sloth: You tried your best, dear.

Wrath looks over at Envy banging his head against the wall while repeating: Angst, angst, angst, angst

Wrath: What's Envy doing?

Sloth: He's a bit off today, haven't you noticed?

Wrath: …Maybe he's in loooooove!

Sloth: Who would fall in love with such an-?

Wrath: Maybe he needs a hug!

Envy suddenly stops and looks at Wrath

Envy: I don't want a hug!

Wrath: Come on! Give me a hug Envy!

Envy: Don't you _dare_ touch me!

Wrath hugs Envy

Wrath: Hugging!

Envy hits Wrath

Wrath: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Envy: I'll wound you!

Pride enters as Sloth sighs and leaves

Pride: What is this rumpus?!

Wrath: Envy hit me!

Envy: Wrath invaded my personal bubble! ... Rumpus?

Pride: I think some severe punishment is in order.

Envy, Wrath: Oh no….

Pride: I will have the two of you dragged by your ears to the dungeons-

Envy (whisper): We have a dungeon?

Pride (continues): Where a drunken Gluttony will be waiting with a cactus and a croquet mallet-

Envy: We should get a dungeon…. Are you still talking? (Changes into Mustang) Want me to kill you again?

Pride freezes, then looks down at pants

Pride: Uh, I…. I have to go now… bye.

Envy changes back to palm tree form

Envy: Well that went better than expected.

Wrath: Nice one Envy!

Al randomly enters (but then again every time he enters it's random)

Al: That was awesome guys!

Wrath: Thanks Edward's less scary than him brother.

Al: Are you still full of that homunculus angst Envy?

Envy: I think I can appreciate life a lot more now. And by appreciate I mean continue seeking vengeance on pipsqueak and my father.

Al: Well that's just fantastic!

Sloth re-enters

Sloth: Hey guys… ew, what's that smell?

Wrath: Oh it's something Pride can really be proud of.

All being to laugh

Al nods and suddenly flies away….

Envy, Wrath and Sloth watch, exchange nervous glances, then look back up

Envy: … Everybody make a wish.

Fin

**_As always thanks for reading guys, this one is for _****_FireNutZuko, who requested this ep _****_:P Next I will be doing the mysterious ticking noise by request. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter and tell me what you want to see after the ticking noise :)_**

_**Tennessee**_


	5. The Mysterious Ticking Noise

Cast in order of appearance: Ed, Hohenheim, Wrath, Gluttony, Envy, Al

Ed: What is that mysterious ticking noise?

Begins searching for the source

Ed: Not over here, not ever there

Tick, tick, tick, tick

Ed: Kind'a catchy….

Ed, Ed, Edward Elric

Ed, Ed, Edward Elric

Hohenheim!

Ed, Ed, Edward Elric

Hohenheim!

Ed, Ed, Edward Elric

Hohenheim!

Wrath! Wrath! The homunculus!

Ed, Ed, Edward Elric

Hohenheim!

Wrath! Wrath! The homunculus!

Ed, Ed, Edward Elric

Hohenheim!

Wrath! Wrath! The homunculus!

Gluttony… Gluttony…

Ed, Ed, Edward Elric

Hohenheim!

Wrath! Wrath! The homunculus!

Gluttony, Gluttony

Ed, Ed, Edward Elric

Hohenheim!

Wrath! Wrath! The homunculus!

Gluttony… Gluttony…

Ed, Ed, Edward Elric

Hohenheim!

Wrath! Wrath! The homunculus!

Gluttony, Gluttony

Ed, Ed, Edward Elric

Hohenheim!

Wrath! Wrath! The homunculus!

Gluttony… Gluttony…

Envy! Envy! Oh! Envy! Envy! Yeah!

Ed, Ed, Edward Elric

Hohenheim!

Wrath! Wrath! The homunculus!

Gluttony, Gluttony

Envy! Envy! Oh! Envy! Envy! That's me!

Ed!

Envy!

Ed!

Envy!

Ed!

Envy!

Hohenheim!

Glu…ttony!

Ed, Ed, Edward Elric

Hohenheim!

Wrath! Wrath! The homunculus!

Gluttony… Gluttony…

Envy, Envy, my name is Envy!

All: Singing our song! All day long at Cen…tral!

Wrath vanishes and comes back into view

Wrath: I found the source of the ticking! It's a pipe bomb!

All homunculus: YAY!

Ed and Hohenheim: *panic*

BANG!!!!

Al pops up from singed rubble

Al: Tee hee! Alphonse! Alphonse! Ooh Alphonse Elric! Alphonse!

Vanishes

Fin

Okay, I hope everyone liked this one even though it was really short :P

_**It's dedicated to The Spirit Alchemist and Shiloh Asha, who wanted me to do this chapter. Thanks again for reading and tell me what you want to see after the Yule Ball (which I might have out in sections) :P**_


	6. The Yule Ball prt 1

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Wrath, Ed, Al, Dante, Sloth, Greed, Mustang

A party is being held in the play house of the underground city beneath Central. Like always our favorite homunculi are involved. So what could possibly go wrong?

Envy: NO! I will not dance with you!

Random person: But why not?

Envy: Because I'm a GUY!

Random person: Oh dear god! Seriously?!

Envy (snap): I'm gonna kill you!!!

Random guy runs and Envy starts after him

Wrath enters and clings to Envy's arm

Wrath: Envy! Isn't this the best! I'm having so much-!

Envy: Get off me kid! I need to go kill every single guy that asked me to dance!

Wrath: … How many would that be?

Envy: Just about all of them!

Wrath: Even Edward?

Envy: No, and if that guy takes one step in my direction I'll murder him and make it look like an accident, I'm starting to wonder why I haven't killed him yet….

Wrath: I'll go tell him not to ask you to dance or you'll kill him.

Envy: … On second thought… it would give me an excuse to shove that automail right up his-!

Wrath: There he is now! Edward!

Ed standing near a bowl of punch looks up, sees Envy, panics, and runs into the crowd

Wrath: Oh, I guess he didn't see us.

Envy: You nitwit… I have an idea. Let's go chant homunculus rule over and over 'til we make him cry!

Wrath: …I'm cool with that.

Ed looks over his shoulder into the crowd and sighs

Ed: Lost 'em….

Envy (standing behind Ed): Hey there Fullmetal pipsqueak!

Ed: Ah! Envy! I didn't see you there! Heh… heh, heh….

Wrath: Hi Edward! We've come to bother you until you cry!

Two homunculus close in

Ed: Wait! You get any closer and I'll-!

Envy: What?

Ed: I'll get my little brother to come beat you up!

Wrath: ….

Envy: ….

Silence

Envy: Let's find something else to do, Wrath….

Wrath: *sigh* Right-o

Two walk off

Ed: I dislike them with a burning passion as hot as it would be to set foot on the face of the sun….

Al approaches sipping punch

Al: What was that all about?

Ed: Oh, I told them if they didn't leave I'd make you go beat them up.

Al: Did you mention I wasn't a suit of armor anymore?

Ed: I might have left that part out. They're always doing that.

Al: If I were you I'd be miserable and depressed…. Thank god I'm me!

Ed (without looking at Al): Al?

Al: Yep?

Ed (still staring off into space): Have you ever had a bad day?

Al: Uh-hu.

Ed: Have you ever had a day where it feels like the forces of the universe are converging into a black hole of endless toils and sufferings and a bottomless pit misery that you think you'll never ever, ever get out of?

Al: … Um… I don't think I've ever-

Ed: Do you know what they'd call you if ever single day of your life was like that?

Al: … Well, Brother I-

Ed: They'd call you Edward Elric… the Fullmetal pipsqueak…. (music begins playing)

Ed (singing): You despise everyone, and everyone despises you.

Al: I don't despise you-

Ed: And none of it surprises you….

Al: Really?

Ed: When you are… Ed.

Al: Come on don't be like that.

Ed: The endless tracks of the trains that you need to travel in… fill you up with… misery….

Al: … Um did you rehearse this?

Ed: When you are… Ed! But it's okay!

Al: It is?

Ed: To feel like Ed! To feel so sad, to feel so bad! Just relax, there's no escape!

Al points over his shoulder

Al: Brother, t-turn around-

Ed: At least you're in good company!

Entire crowd (standing behind Ed) begins cheering

Al: … They seem to like you singing about your problems, Brother.

Envy (standing in the crowd with Wrath): What?! He's getting more attention that me! Wrath!

Wrath: Yes sir!

Two leap from the crowd and land on either side of Ed

Envy and Wrath: Homunculus rule! Homunculus rule!

Ed: Ah! That's it! No more Mr. Nice Ed!

Ed (pushing them backwards): Alchemists rule! Alchemists rule!

Both collapse

Dante appears (confused as always): What's with all the hullabaloo?

Ed: *rage* They bothered me, I bothered back! A clear case of self-defense!

Dante: You gave my homunculus boo-boos!

Ed: They were pushing my buttons.

Dante: Give them a kiss and make it better.

Ed: I'm out!

Ed and Al flee

Dante: Come on get up boys.

Wrath and Envy stand up

Wrath: Where am I?

Dante: Same place as you always are. (looks to the crowd) Nothing to see here.

Crowd turns attention away from the homunculi and continues socializing

Dante: So what's new with you boys?

Envy: Not much. I'm still seeking vengeance on Hohenheim.

Dante: That's my boy.

Wrath: Yeah, and I'm still spending weekends and holidays with Izumi and Sig.

Dante: …?

Wrath: That was the custody agreement.

Dante: So I see. Wait a minute…. One (points at Envy) two (points at Wrath)…. Where's the other?

Envy and Wrath: … Huh?

Dante: A girl…. Slob… Slack… Slime?

Envy: Sloth?

Wrath: Oh! Mom!

Dante: Mom? (looks at Envy) What's wrong with your friend?

Envy: The test results haven't come back yet, so we're really not sure….

Sloth appears with a cup of punch

Sloth: Hi guys.

Wrath: *cling* Mom!

Dante: Oh good you're all here. Now I get to tell you about a force ever strong than Greed's shield!

All look over to Greed standing with his group of chimeras

Greed (turns to face them): Didn't know it was possible. (turns back to the chimeras) So like I was saying Fullmetal brat's all like take me to my brother! Totally lame.

Wrath: So what is this really strong force?

Dante: You can change the world with it!

Sloth: Well what is it?

Dante: The force of love.

Sloth: That's sweet.

Wrath: Awww, pretty!

Envy: Yeah, pretty lame….

Dante: Well it's not my fault no one's ever loved you, Envy! (singing) Without the force of love!

Envy: More singing?

Wrath and Sloth bounce to music

Dante: The world would fall apart!

Envy: It would?

Dante: You need no alchemy! It's the magic from your heart!

Envy: …?

Dante: All your other organs are worthless bits of flair my friend! They're useless in comparison to love! With love you can sing of the joy that it can bring! With love you can fly on a rainbow in the sky!

Envy: Aw screw this whole thing!

Dante: With love you can dance without any pants!

Three hesitate

Dante: *smile*

Envy, Wrath, and Sloth inch away

_**Next is part wo of the Yule ball! Let me know what you thought of this one!**_

_**Tennessee**_


	7. The Yule Ball prt 2

Envy (once away from Dante): Well that was really, really bizarre. Now Wrath, I believe there is something Sloth has been meaning to tell you for a very long time.

Sloth: No! Of course there isn't!

Envy: So I'll just leave you two alone now.

Random person walks up to Envy

Random person: May I have this dance?

Envy: I'M A GUY!!!

Random person: B-but you're in a skirt!

Envy: It's not a skirt!

Random person: Whatever you say.

Envy (snap): AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Chases guy away through the crowd

Sloth: No don't leave us-!

Wrath: What'd ya wanna talk about Mom?

Sloth moves away

Wrath follows

Sloth: Um I'm going to go get something to eat do you-?

Wrath: *eyes watering* W-what is it?

Sloth: … Wrath dear… I'm… I'm really very sorry but….

Wrath: What?

Sloth: …. I'm not your real mother.

Wrath: Huh?!

Sloth: I'm sorry.

Wrath: T-then who is?

Sloth: Izumi is.

Wrath: You told me she was my aunt!

Sloth shakes her head

Wrath (suddenly calm): … Goodbye fake mother.

Wrath walks away

Sloth: He took that better than I thought he would.

Loud crash and a large cage appears with alchemy, inside is Ed

Ed: Limb stealer let me out!

Wrath: For the rest of the party you will be in this cage while people throw things at you.

Ed: But why?

Wrath: Because I said so.

Greed: Dude! Let's go throw things at him!

All chimeras and Greed run over

Wrath walks back to Sloth as crowd begins talking again

Wrath (smiling): What happened I blacked out?

Sloth: ….

Wrath: *grin* So what'd ya wanna talk about?

Sloth: …Nothing….

Envy runs over

Envy: Anybody got a firecracker?!

Sloth: Why would I have a firecracker?

Wrath: For what, Envy?

Envy: So I can throw it in the Fullmetal pipsqueak's cage!

Wrath: Cage?

Envy: You have a firecracker or not?

Mustang randomly appears

Mustang: I have a firecracker.

Sloth: … Really?

Envy: Thanks-! Hey! You're the flame alchemist!

Wrath: What are you doing here?!

Mustang: The entire cast is here, even extras, you thought I wouldn't be invited?

Wrath (panic): He's come to burn us to a crisp!

Mustang: Um… no, I came for some fun, so I brought a firecracker just incase they ended up putting Fullmetal in a cage and telling people to throw things at him.

Envy: … What're the odds?

Mustang: So you guys know about my flame skills right?

Envy: No, they appointed you General because of your pompous ego, of course I know!

Wrath: How does that work again?

Sloth: Yeah I never really got that.

Mustang: Oh it's easy really, I just need to snap my fingers and boom.

Wrath: Lem'me see!

Mustang: I really don't think I should.

Wrath: Please?!

Mustang: … Alright, I'll tell you about it… in song.

Envy: Is this really happening to me?

Mustang: You bet it is! Now when I say flame alchemist I want you to scream, got it?

Wrath and Sloth: Sure.

Mustang (singing): They call me the alchemist Mustang, I'm a sucker for fire that makes a bang! As long as I get to zap my foes awwwwaaaay!

Wrath and Sloth: Hey!

Mustang: Boy, it's like a magic spell! I can send my enemies straight to hell! It's all so great! I do it everyday! Okay! Flame alchemist Mustang!

Sloth and Wrath scream

Mustang: Flame alchemist Mustang!

Sloth and Wrath scream

Mustang: Flame alchemist Mustang!

Sloth and Wrath scream

Wrath: Envy! Saxophone and dance solo!

Envy: Fine….

Wrath and Envy disappear and reappear half a second a later, Envy with a saxophone and Wrath with a pair of tap shoes

Envy begins playing the saxophone while Wrath dances

Mustang: Flame alchemist Mustang!

Three scream

Mustang: Flame alchemist Mustang!

Three scream

Mustang: Flame alchemist Mustaaaaaaaang!

Snaps fingers

Three homunculus burst into flames and fall

Mustang: Oh my god! (pulls out pocket sized fire extinguisher and sprays them)

No movement

Dante runs over

Dante: Are you killing my homunculus?!

Mustang: Uh… no, you did this… (takes out firecracker and walks off)

Dante: W-what…? Oh, I'm so sorry. *sigh* I'm afraid I'm going to have to go do some soul searching…. Goodbye….

Dante walks away

Loud bang and Ed and Al run over

Ed: I hate firecrackers!

Al: I don't blame you. That looked painful.

Ed: You were throwing them at me too, ya know.

Al: And that's why I share your pain, Brother.

Two see the homunculi

Al: Oh… looks like Mustang was over here too.

Ed: Great, no more worrying about being abused by these three.

Homunculi sit up and brush off the black from their skin and hair

Al screams and hides behind Ed

Al: Ah! Rise of the fallen! Protect me from the zombies!

Ed: Relax it's just the gang of misfits.

Wrath: Ow, that hurt….

Envy: You're tell'en me?

Sloth: Remind me to never talk to the Mustang guy ever again.

Envy looks up

Envy: … Pipsqueak!

Ed: *no response*

Envy: Fullmetal pipsqueak! I'm talk'en to you!

Ed: Wait, wait!

Envy: What?

Ed: I hear something….

All pause

Ed: It's sort of like… a mysterious ticking noise.

Al and Wrath: Oh yeah, I hear it.

Ed and Envy exchange glances

Ed and Envy (singing): Bu bu bu ba….

All others (singing): Do do do do do!

Ed and Envy: Bu bu bu ba!

All others: Do do do, do!

Ed and Envy: Bu bu bu ba-!

Ed: Water, 35 liters. Carbon, 20 kilograms. Ammonia, 4 liters. Lime, 1.5 kilograms. Phosphorous, 800 grams. Salt, 250 grams. Saltpeter, 100 grams. Sulfur, 80 grams. Fluorine, 7.5 grams. Iron, 5 grams. Silicon, 3 grams. And trace amounts of 15 other elements…. No?

All shake their heads

Ed and Envy: Bu bu bu ba!

All other: Do do, do do!

Ed and Envy: Bu bu bu ba!

All others: Do do, do do do, do do do, do do do do, do!

THE END!

_**I think Ed and Envy just said it all! Okay everyone! Did you enjoy this one? It's dedicated to my friend The Mysterious Victoria, so everyone give her a virtual hug! Thanks again for reading! Next will be Trouble at Central … heh heh heh…. :P**_

_**Tennessee**_


	8. Trouble in Central

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Wrath, Ed, Hughes, Greed, Sloth, Izumi

Envy walking through the streets of central with Wrath clinging to his arm

Envy: Would you get off me kid?

Wrath: I can't, in the city there're freaks and weirdoes and pick-pockets and burglars and kidnappers and-

Envy: Sloth told you all that?

Wrath: No, she told me to be careful, then Edward's less scary than him brother told me about the other things….

Envy: *sarcasm* Oh joy. I really wish he'd stop coming to the underground city.

Wrath: He says it's his favorite pastime.

Envy: Never mind, we're here to Dante's medication and then we're out.

Wrath: But this is usually Pride's job.

Envy: Pride hasn't recovered from that whole Mustang thing I did.

Wrath: You really shouldn't have been so mean.

Envy: He was threatening us with a cactus and a croquet mallet, what would you have done?

Wrath: I would of-

Envy: Shut up. Where'd Sloth go?

Wrath: Dunno.

Several turns later

Wrath: We're lost.

Envy: We are not lost!

Wrath: Ask for directions….

Envy: No, no, I-… Wrath…?

Wrath standing by a hobo sitting in an alley

Wrath: Excuse me sir do know how to get to the drug store on fifth?

Hobo: Maybe I do, maybe I don't. It'll cost ya.

Wrath: H-how much?

Hobo: How much ya got?

Envy takes Wrath by hair and pulls him away

Envy: Okay, don't do that ever again.

Wrath: But why not, he seems nice.

Envy: They all seem nice until they're running down the street with your wallet. Come on, we don't need directions.

Wrath: But Envy, we're back at the entrance to the underground city….

Two homunculi see Ed hiding behind potted flowers in front of a flower shop

Envy: Pip-!

Wrath: No! Don't talk to strangers!

Envy: … I wish they'd hurry up with those test results….

Envy walks closer, Ed doesn't see him

Envy: … Pipsqueak!!!

Ed: AH! Dear lord Envy! What's wrong with you?!

Envy: I'm here to kill you!

Ed: Not now, kay?

Envy: No, not "kay"!

Ed pulls Envy and Wrath down.

Wrath: Why are we hiding, Edward?

Ed: Hughes is coming.

Wrath: Who?

Ed: There he is! (ducks under a table of flowers)

Hughes standing in the street with a photo looking around

Envy: What's so bad about him?

Ed: Don't let him show you the pictures!

Wrath: What do we do, Edward?

Ed: In my case, run.

Ed gets up and runs

Envy: Whatever, come on Wrath.

Stand up

Hughes: Hey! Hey you two! You wanna see a picture?!

Envy: Aw, son of a transmutation circle! Run!

Two run down several alleyways

Envy: *pant, pant* I think we lost him.

Greed randomly appears

Greed: What are you two doing above ground?

Hughes: Don't you want to see a picture of my daughter?!

Greed turns around

Greed: What? No I don't want-

Hughes: Look! Isn't she just a bundle of divine cuteness?!

Greed: Get away-!

Hughes: Look at her! She just makes you feel all warm inside doesn't she?!

Greed (looking at Envy and Wrath): Help me!

Envy: Every homunculus for himself!

Two run down another alley and into the street

Wrath (begins crying): I don't wanna die!

Envy: You're not going to die!

Sloth walking down the sidewalk

Sloth: Where've you two been?

Envy: *pant* I could ask you the same question!

Sloth holds up paper bag

Sloth: I went to the drug store and got the medicine.

Wrath: MOM! A crazy guy's chasing us!

Hughes: Guys!

Wrath in the other direction screaming

Hughes: Look-!

Envy and Sloth: Wait!

Hughes: What?

Envy and Sloth run

Hughes: Aw….

Wrath runs back in screaming, stops in front of Hughes

Wrath: … Homunculus rule! (runs after Sloth and Envy)

Sloth: So what do we do?

Envy: There's nothing we can do! We're finished! Going down just like Greed!

Wrath: … Wait… I have a plan.

Hughes (pacing around the streets): Oh homunculi, where have you gone?

Envy standing across the street

Envy: We're over here!

Hughes starts running across the street

Envy: Wrath!

Wrath jumps from nowhere and transmutes the ground

Sidewalk under Hughes flings him over the closest building

Wrath: YAY! Transmutation!

Greed walks over

Greed: What's going on here?

Sloth: Greed! You're alive!

Greed: So it would seem.

Wrath: We love you Greed!

Wrath hugs Greed

Greed (to Envy): Please get the small child off me.

Ed walks by, looks at Wrath hugging Greed, Envy pulling Wrath off Greed by the ankles, Sloth laughing

Ed: Freaks….

Fin

_**Alright! I hope you liked this one, it's dedicated to Lydiacatfish, and this extra is for you Lydia! Again thanks for reading and please review! :P**_

_**Tennessee**_

EXTRA:

Izumi's butcher's shop

Wrath dancing while a butterfly flutters around

Wrath (singing): Playing with the butterflies! Playing with the butterflies!

Knife flies from front door and hits butterfly

Izumi: Wrath! Get in here and help with the chores!

Wrath (looks at skewered butterfly pinned to the fence): *sniffle, sniffle* I hardly knew ya….

Izumi: If don't get in here this instant you'll end up like that butterfly!

Wrath: *panic* COMING!


	9. Envy is Awesome

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Pride… that's it

Envy trotting along while singing

Envy (singing): My name Envy, I'm totally awesome, alchemists are losers, la da da da da!

Pride: Envy!

Envy: Huh?! What's up?

Pride: You have been absent from the TV series for three episodes. So I have no choice but to-

What Envy's hearing: Blah… blah blah… Envy…. Blah… cactus… croquet mallet… blah…Wrath…. Blah blah…-

Envy punches Pride in the face

Pride falls backward

Envy pulls a saxophone from nowhere and begins playing it

Envy is awesome

_**Okay, I'm working on the vortex now, but I'm not done so I figure this'll keep you busy for like a second and a half :P**_

_**Tennessee**_


	10. The Vortex

Cast in order of appearance: Ed, Hohenheim, Envy, Sloth, Wrath

Ed enters, wringing his hands

Ed: Dad?

Hohenheim (pretending to do something else): What?

Ed: Well I need to tell you something.

Hohenheim: You're not about to tell me you want to wear a skirt are you?

Ed: No.

Hohenheim: Good because that's the most awkward conversation Envy ever brought up.

Ed: I had this dream….

Hohenheim: And?

Ed: Alright, I'll just tell you… here I wrote it down.

Hohenheim: Of course you did.

Ed: The flowers fell from my hands in slow motion and shattered on the floor like glass, and when I looked into the mirror I was a beautiful milkmaid. Then I woke up crying, and I don't know why.

Hohenheim: …I once had a dream I was a baby pig living on a farm… oink.

Ed: No Dad, you don't understand. It was a life changing vision! I don't know if I'll ever- oof!!

Envy runs in and pushes Ed out of the way

Envy: Hohenheim! Where's Dante?!

Hohenheim: … Not sure. Why, my least favorite son?

Envy (flinch): Because there's a homunculus emergency!

Hohenheim: … Well I guess I could help.

Envy: Eh… fine, but after this I hate you again. Come on.

Hohenheim: Still wearing a skirt?

Envy: Shut up!

Two reach Sloth standing under a bright light

Sloth: Hohenheim, where's Dante?

Envy: Couldn't make it.

Sloth: Well as you can see, Wrath's trapped in an alternate dimension… again.

Hohenheim: Again? How many times has the homunculus boy been trapped in this alternate dimension?

Sloth (shaking head): Too many to count….

Hohenheim: …?

Envy: This wouldn't keep happening if he wasn't so fat.

Wrath (from beyond the light): Oh! Get me out of here! It tickles in all the wrong ways!

Hohenheim: Is he beyond the gate?

Envy (shrug): We don't know, it just keeps happening to him.

Hohenheim: That's just bizarre.

Envy: I didn't bring you here for a synopsis, I brought you here to get the kid out.

Hohenheim: Okay, bring me that stick you use for your problems.

Envy runs off

Wrath: I think I'm going through puberty!

Sloth: Don't go into the light Wrath!

Envy reappears with a bat, hands the bat to Hohenheim

Envy: Here's the problem stick.

Hohenheim (to Sloth): You… stand back.

Sloth: Is it dangerous?

Hohenheim: No, you're just freaking me out.

Sloth: Alright then.

Hohenheim puts bat into light

Hohenheim: Let's see if I still remember how to do this….

Wrath falls out and light vanishes

Three stare at Wrath

Envy: Wrath, you okay? *poke*

Wrath gets up with sunglasses and a leather jacket on, hair tied back

Wrath (voice suddenly deep): Envy, you kidding me? I've never felt better. I'm a man now.

Envy: Where'd ya get the jacket…? And where can I get one?

Wrath (ignoring Envy): 'Sup, Ma.

Sloth: *sniffle* You grew up so fast!

Wrath: Don't cry Ma, you'll get tears all over my new boots.

Sloth: *breakdown*

Wrath: 'Sup Hohenheim?

Hohenheim: Wow! You're much cooler than Envy.

Envy: … What?!

Wrath: Let's have a beach party, in Central!

Three begin dancing to random music

Envy: *shock*

Others continue dancing

Envy: NO!!

Envy pulls out tape recorder and plays track of a baby crying

Wrath: AHHH! *spazzes* (voice suddenly become high again, glasses and jacket disappear)

Envy: No! Cool is my category! I won it by default! You can't start being competition! No one can be cooler than me 'cause I'm Envy the homunculus! You hear me?! The homunculus!

Wrath (quivering): *heartfelt apology* I'm so sorry, Envy.

Envy: *ignore* Well good! Now let's have a beach party! In Central!

Music begins playing again

Others slowly begin dancing

Envy (singing): My name Envy, I'm the king of Central, I'm better than anybody in Central. I'm hip and I'm awesome everyone knows my name. E-E-E-E-Envy that is my name! The homunculus, the homunculus! Do the Do the schooby duwap!

Everyone: Schooby duwap, schooby duwap!

Envy: My father ditched me when I was a baby. But I was even cool, when I was a baby. I even wanted revenge when I was a baby. I grew up abused, without any love. The homunculus!

Everyone: Schooby duwap!

Envy: The homunculus!

Everyone: Schooby duwap!

Envy: The homunculus!

Everyone: Schooby duwap!

Envy: That's me!!

Music stops

Envy: *pant, pant* You guys are my best friends, you know that?

Sloth: Oh, Envy.

Hohenheim: You're gonna be alright Envy, boy, yes.

Sloth: We'll always love you Envy.

Sloth and Hohenheim hug Envy

Wrath: I love you too, Envy!

Envy: Lose some weight before you hug me, Wrath.

Wrath: Huh?

Fin

_**Hooray! The vortex! It's dedicated to hanyuu! Please review and i hoped you liked it! **_

**_Tennessee_**


	11. Bothering Ed

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Wrath, Al, Ed

Envy sitting next to Wrath on stage of play house

Wrath begins humming, then singing

Envy: ….

Wrath: Do, da, do…

Envy: …

Wrath: Da, da, da….

Envy: …?

Wrath: Tear apart the memories of those faraway days with your hands….

Envy: … Stop that….

Wrath: End the breath of sadness. Come on, pierce through my chest-…!

Envy: Cut it out…

Wrath: Made anxious by love!

Envy: Shut up!

Wrath: Sorry…. What do we do now?

Envy: I have an idea.

Five minutes later

Ed walking around

Envy (hiding behind corners and random objects): Ready?

Wrath: *nod, nod*

Jump out

Wrath and Envy: Homunculus rule! Homunculus rule!

Ed: Ah! *attempts to transmute automail*

Wrath and Envy begin yanking on limbs until Ed collapses, then run

Wrath: That was fun!

Envy: I like the part where he stops moving!

Short pause

Envy: Let's do it again!

Jump Ed again

Envy and Wrath: Homunculus rule! Homunculus rule!

Ed: Get off!

Transmutes automail and slashes them

Homunculi fall

Ed: … Oh no…. Time for plan B, pretend it wasn't me *inches away*

Al enters

Al: Oh Wrath and Envy are taking a nap… I wonder what they have in their pockets.

Al glances around and begins looking through their pockets

Al: Nine sins and… Ed's state alchemist watch…? Oh, I'll keep this one… be good for collateral later. *grin*

_**Okay all you Homunculus Gags fans! I'm in need of some help! I only have one ep left to do after this and I'm not sure how to go about making potions class. Any ideas?**_

_**Tennessee**_


	12. Homunculus Class

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Wrath, Sloth, Ed, Gluttony, Lust, Greed, Pride, Al

Envy walks around looking through a colorful pamphlet

Wrath: Wat'cha do'n Envy?

Envy jumps and spins around

Envy: Where do you keep jumping out of?!

Wrath looks around

Wrath: … I-… I don't know…. (points at pamphlet) what's that?

Envy: Oh this?

Holds up brochure of Ed standing in front of Big Ben on it

Wrath takes it

Wrath: … And?

Envy: I've decided that I'm going to go wreak havoc on London.

Wrath: And how ya gonna do that?

Envy: Well (takes brochure back) you see I no longer just have the ultimate identity! I now have… (pause for emphasis) The ultimate travel guide!!!

Wrath: *shifty eyes but still smiling* Okay sure, whatever you say….

Envy: Yeah! It is whatever I say!

Wrath: *flinch* Alright just don't hurt me!

Envy: Well see ya never.

Wrath: Wait! Where are you going?!

Envy: I'm going to go force pipsqueak and his brother to open the gate.

Wrath: They can do that?

Envy: Well how the backwards Tucker should I know!

Wrath: But you can't! We have class today!

Envy: … Class?

Wrath (grinning): Yeah homunculus class!

Envy: You know sticking homunculus in front of everything doesn't make it sound better, it just wastes time.

Wrath: Come on! We'll be late! *drags Envy behind him*

Envy: I've never even heard of this stupid thing! You're just making it up like the fountain of chocolate syrup on the third floor landing!  
Wrath: Okay, I know I saw that!

Envy: You got me so excited! Come on! Who doesn't love chocolate syrup?!

Wrath suddenly stops at one door and opens it

*Classroom setup*

Envy: When'd this get here?

Sloth (sitting at a desk next to Greed, Pride, Lust, and Gluttony): Where've you been?!

Envy: What the-?!

Wrath: Look seats up front.

Envy: What's going on?!

Ed walks out from another door

Ed: Good morning class.

All: Good morning Mr. Elric.

Envy: _Mr._ Elric? Wait why is he teaching this class? I thought it was for homunculus!

Gluttony: Time for lunch?

Lust: Not yet Gluttony. (to Greed) I swear it's like I'm babysitting.

Greed: Oh I know what you mean… I think.

Ed: Greed!

Greed: I didn't do it!

Ed: Get in the corner!

Greed walks over to a small chair in the corner and sits down as Ed puts a dunce cone on his head

Envy: HA! That was good!

Ed: Envy! I've told you the dress code a million times! Skirts have to be to the top of the knee!

Envy: Hey! I'm gonna-!

Ed: Sit down!

Envy sits

Envy: I didn't want to sit! What's going on?!

Ed: Now today I will be teaching you about the glowing transmutation circle and all its wonder.

Lust: Oh not this again.

Ed: The forces of alchemy you cannot use.

Wrath: I can.

Ed: The other side of the gate only I have been to.

Greed (from corner): Joy….

Ed: How to make a transmutation circle just using your hands.  
Gluttony: Food…?

Ed: I can teach you how to bottle fame.

Pride: Don't need it.

Ed: Pickle victory.

Wrath: Pickle victory?!

Ed: Bottle Glory. And put a stopper in death.

Lust: No you can't.

Envy: This is getting boring.

Ed: And even score with hot babes. Class dismissed.

Envy: Wait, what? Hot babes?!

The rest of the class leaves

Envy: Teach me!

Ed: No, goodbye Envy

Envy: You're no fun! *walks out*

Envy sits up in bed and rubs eyes

Envy: Whoa… that was beyond freaky….

Gets up and walks out into the hallway

Al (dancing in a fountain of chocolate syrup): Hey Envy!

Envy: … I'm going back to bed.

Fin

_**Okay everyone, this is the last chapter of Homunculus gags. I hope you liked them! I may not see you for a while, but when there's a new hppp I will be there! I'm also going to start FMA gags for anyone who's interested. :P**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_

_**Tennessee**_


	13. Envy Sleep Talks

Cast in order of appearance: Wrath, Envy

Wrath holds up camera, video taping himself

Wrath: H-hey guys! *whisper* I'm Wrath… and this is Envy's stolen camera…. but… he knows I'm using it… heh-heh…. I'm supposed to be asleep right now, but instead I snuck into Envy's room to draw on his face… I mean to borrow a pen…. B-but I found something even cooler!

Wrath opens door into Envy's room

Wrath: Okay… there's Envy *zoom in on sleeping Envy* and I'm gonna show you something really cool!

Wrath walks over to Envy, zooms in on clock: 3:43 AM

Wrath: … Hey Envy?

Envy: *grumble* *sleep talk* … Hmm… w-what's going on-…? Did I die again…?

Wrath: No, you're still alive.

Envy: … Good, 'else Dante would kill me….

Wrath: *scratched head* *speaking to himself* … If you were dead then… she'd kill you…? N-never mind. Envy, what time is it?

Envy: *still sleep talking* … H-homunculi rule… supreme…!

Wrath: … Okay… thanks…? Do you know when the next chapter of The Love of a Human is coming out?

Envy: *waves hand over head* C-check Wikipedia… I'll give ya ten dollars….

Wrath: Sound good…. *turns camera on himself* Now, that's weird right? Yeah not the weirdest part.

Wrath pulls a large suitcase from under Envy's bed, opens it revealing a multitude of FMA dolls with Xs for eyes and pins and other sharp objects stuck in them

Wrath: These are Envy's voodoo dolls that I'm not supposed to know about… I mean…. Check this out.

Wrath puts the Edward doll in Envy's hand

Envy: … *in Edwards voice* H-hey Al… the philosopher's stone was taken… by the antichrist… and the Aztec people….

Wrath: … He can shape shift his voice box…! In his sleep! … Thanks Envy.

Envy: *still using Ed's voice* uh… uh… no problem…. Where did you get this number…?!

Wrath: Okay… now watch this.

Wrath hands Envy the Al voodoo doll

Envy: *in Al voice* Brother… I lost the train… ticket….

Envy: *in Ed voice* I guess we could check Wikipedia….

Envy: *Al voice* T-they have everything there….

Envy: *Ed voice* Wikipedia's… real old.

Envy: *Al voice* S-… since the dawn of time….

Envy: When Dante was born…?

Envy: *Ed voice* Yeah Envy….

Wrath: … Thanks Envy… that's really good…..

Envy: No problem, Vic Mignogna….

Wrath takes dolls from Envy's hands and puts them next to him

Envy: D-don't take the pins out of the… Wrath voodoo doll, Dante….

Wrath: … *picks up Wrath voodoo doll* Hmm?

Wrath pokes voodoo doll in the eye

Wrath: Ah! My eye!!

Envy: Huh?!

Wrath runs out covering eye

_Fin_

**Well that's it! Been a while since I did one of these! But I checked the website for more potter puppet pals and only this one was up, I thought it was funny, so fifteen minutes later! Thanks for reading! And I hope there's a new PPP soon!**

**In there is a reference to The Love of a Human, which is my newest FMA story. Check it out if you want to X3**

**Tennessee**


End file.
